Alright y’all. I promised to share my story. So, here it goes.
I was raised Christian. My mother converted to Christianity when I was 5 or 6, and she didn’t just convert, she converted to full blown Jesus-movement Benny Hinn following Protestant Christian. She would drive me around picking up random people up from the street, telling them about Jesus and then dropping them off with a church tract and shocked look on their face. While that might not really be my style, she was what legends are made of.
She passed away 5 years ago. 5 years ago my whole life changed, but prior to that, I wasn’t exactly the golden child. Growing up, my parents divorced and had a pretty volatile relationship. We moved a lot and though I was a strong Christian who didn’t sip a drop of alcohol, that all went to shit when I left home for college in 2004.
Those of you familiar with this school understand what the next four years of my life looked like…I took my first shot and a year later could be found at a house party doing handle pulls and prancing around Isla Vista half naked on a mission to meet my Thursday night fella to dance the night away with. I was pretty lost, confused, and depressed in my attempt to deal with every resentful emotion I carried for the hostility I witnessed growing up. That didn’t work, let me tell you. I did, however, meet a lot of amazing people at UCSB, many of whom I’m still friends with. Most of them will tell you I was no angel. Most of them will also tell you that after college I went to some ‘weird missions thing’ in England, where no one really knew what I was doing.
Try explaining YWAM (Youth With A Mission) to your non-church going friends. Struggle is real.
It was 2010, a few years after college when I dropped my LA job and moved to England to pursue YWAM’s discipleship training school. I had so much anxiety and confusion, I knew I needed to leave the chaos of home for some soul searching. What I found was God-searching. I also found a guy. He was 5 years older than me. The irony in all this was that my leaders all thought I was this devout practicing Christian because I was pretty good at remembering the things of childhood, like praying in tongues. Buuuut, little did they know my friends had just thrown me a pub-crawl going away party where I blacked out dressed as a zebra because the theme was “safari” as they thought I was going to Africa to build homes. I ended up going to the Philippines but people to this day ask me how Africa was. I tell them great.
So, back to me and the guy. Let’s call him Nick. It was overly spiritual, no doubt. He would tell me he’s praying about whether or not I was his wife, and we would ask God to give us a sign. It was pressurized and a soon to be disaster that ended with God not giving him a sign by June 21 (or whatever date it was) and me being devastated and angry with God. I ended up staying and taking a 9 month seminary school….THIS changed my life. I had to know what I believed, I was so hurt and broken, I needed to know who this Christian God was, the one I knew in theory and not in heart. I fell in love with the bible, with God, with Jesus…all while crying out tears of brokenness and asking Him who he was in singleness and dating.
I finished that school, did some more YWAM things and then was told the worst news of my life…my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor, the most aggressive kind. She believed she would be healed, and though she wasn’t healed on earth, I know she’s healed in heaven. She passed away 5 months after her diagnoses and thus began my very very messy grieving process.
It looked like overworking my ass off, ignoring my emotions, drinking 4 nights a week, meeting guys, avoiding church (I’d listen online to a lot of sermons but never actually went)….I turned into a complete wreck. I took pills to make myself feel better.
I was numb while simultaneously being in a lot of pain. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s just so heavy and hard and sad. Long story short, I moved in with my dad, had a nervous breakdown, met another Christian guy in the midst of all this who had a fair share of problems himself. The timing just wasn’t right and he ended up in rehab while I ended up broken as can be. He struggled with addiction and I struggled to let go of co-dependant habits.
A lot of the time I was crying out to God, so confused, lost, wondering WHO is He and WHY do I feel so empty and alone?
Well…how many of you know this is the place where you get to meet God, deeply? I spent the next two years going through personal overhaul. I didn’t work for a year, I spent my time listening to every sermon, reading every book, going on 4 hour walks, praying….I can cry thinking about it because a lot of people don’t get this luxury, but I was given the blessing of moving in with my dad (which I first thought was a curse) and going through a process of healing. I wrote about my journey, started this blog, found my love for comedy and humor, went to church, met my community of christian friends, found my personality again, and decided to use humor to see if anyone could relate to me. Turns out…a lot of you could! From the beginning of my YWAM journey to this day, it’s been 7 years.
I’m on a mission to know, really know, who God is in singleness, relationship, and marriage. I want to know who God is to the lonely. To the depressed. To the mentally tormented. I want to know who God is to the ones who feel different or left behind.
The truth is, God was with me the whole time, and He’s with you. I’m alive, well, and in my mission. I write jokes and humor to tell you that it’s okay to not be okay because God makes everything okay.
I’m not for everyone. I get it.. I’m not really fluffy. I try to be fluffy and come across as a weirdo lol. So I stopped trying to be fluffy. I’m just me. My best advice I can give is to learn who you are and be you. Just find where you are the most you and go after that.
I’m thankful for all of YOU and hope you continue with me on this journey. Not sure where it’ll take us but I hope it’s to a large community of guys and girls in search for laughter, community, healthy relationships, wholeness, and maaaaaybe some marriages. hah.
K, thanks for letting me get preachy on you. Till next time.