Tomorrow is my birthday so I decided to look back on my 30th year…
I guess you could say this was my season in the wilderness. It was tough, God didn’t let me off the hook. At all. It was time to deal with a lot I had put on the back burner. I guess He knows that redemption doesn’t come in the form of sugarcoated stories. So here’s mine.
This last year, I had to say goodbye to a lot of things. A year ago around this time, I was smiling on the outside and dying on the inside. I felt the need to escape but had nowhere to go. I couldn’t handle the basics of life and let me tell you, there is no reason anyone should allow themselves to get there. But I did. I was deeply broken.
And then something happened…God showed up.
It’s real you guys. I’m here a year later, telling my secrets to the world without hesitation because I think you want to hear the story that makes the miracle out of the mess. I don’t know why we tend to cover up our messes, we even tend to tell the stories of the bible without their messes. Esther was an undercover prostitute but we love to watch that movie glorifying her ‘one night with the king’. I personally think the story is better told as the bible put it. The whole point is that God is a redeemer, a restorer. How can he restore what is perfect? And I my friends, am far from perfect so He’s had a lot to work with.
August of last year was the start of me losing a lot. I lost my business because I had become a shell of the person I was, so God told me it was time to stop. I stopped and had no one else to face but me. It sucked, no lie. I said goodbye to some friends. I was dating a guy and lost him. It was pruning season. The thing that amazes me is that if you really want to get to know God on the mountaintop, the best, most deepest way to know who you are is to get to know him in the desert. He shows up. He showed up for me every time.
So what happened?
No the Red Sea didn’t part, but that would’ve been cool. I guess you could say I found new purpose to my life. I learned that He has my back. I learned that He is so kind and merciful. I learned that He can handle my pain and hand me joy in exchange. I learned to celebrate the little things in life and to dream again. I have a solid network of friends who love me and I’ve made new ones. My business didn’t die, but I have some new thoughts about it. I stopped writing for 5 years and here I am writing again with the plan to write a book.
I feel passionate about helping people any way I know how, especially those who struggle mentally and emotionally. I don’t have the master’s degree I’m told I need to do that, but I have a testimony and for now that’s good enough.
I’m going back to the original design of who I was made to be, and that is the absolute best feeling in the world. My miracle was overcoming depression and anxiety to feel complete and total peace. I have peace and not sure where it’s from considering my circumstances haven’t changed all that much. But they will, and the point is to have the anchor of peace before they do – it’s just as our favorite scripture says, “let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4). Side note – I just went to find that verse in my bible and I forgot that last August I had ripped the page out with a hundred others, throwing them in the ocean and crying out to God. So dramatic I know, but you don’t need to hide your feelings, He can handle it.
Life isn’t easy all the time. But you have to push through. You just have to. And when you can’t, turn to the one who can carry the weight for you.
There is no reason to get to a place you’ve defined as success that’s actually killing you on the inside. Take the grace offered to you.
So tomorrow I’ll be 31 and I know this will be my best year yet. I plan on turning my glass of water into some wine and celebrating to a new year. I have so much to be thankful for, and I’m grateful for each person who reads this because you give me more reason to write. Cheers!