A lot of us are proud attendees of a ‘non-denom’ church…but lets be honest, each church has their own character separating them from the rest. We decided to have a little fun and name a few.
1. The Church of Overly Enthusiastic Volunteers
This church has four levels of Greeting Teams – the first group is in the parking lot wearing fluorescent colors yelling what sounds like some kind of welcome, but you can’t hear because your window is up – they don’t seem to notice. As you head inside, the second group is wearing a ‘WELCOME HOME’ shirt smiling creepily wide and in the worst case scenario – gives you a hug to highlight the fact that you’re new. Pass this gate and you enter the sanctuary greeters who hand you an itinerary and 12 pieces of paper with way more info than you needed right now. But before you sit down, the hosting team will B-line and escort you to the front even though you have the most terrified look on your face.
You’ve finally made it to your seat and go through the stack of forms. One reads ‘Get Connected’ – asking for your name, address, email, social security number, bank account, marital status, and blood sample.
2. The Church of Instagram Bloggers
All – White – Everything. This church has a social media game like no other. The walls are perfect Instagram backdrops and the walkway from the lobby to the main hall is like a runway show. You feel underdressed and out of style because everyone there looks like they’ve just stepped out of a magazine. You find yourself thinking “How can there be so many attractive people in one place?”
3. The Church of Rave
Strobe lights, glow sticks, and an insanely good media team, this church’s young adult service is a Christian rave. If there were bikes, you’d convince yourself a spin class is about to ensue. You’re not allowed to stand in the front unless you’re willing to jump and yell for Jesus with level 10 enthusiasm. It’s virtually impossible not to get hyped up for this service and you can’t help but wonder, how much is their electricity bill?
4. The Church of Famous People
Move aside Taylor Swift, there’s a new squad in town. This church is notorious for the celebrities in attendance. Instead of reading their bible app, everyone is exchanging IMDb accounts. You find the pastor on Instagram and notice they have a 6 digit following and every tagged photo is taken by paparazzi as they stroll on the street with a Hollywood icon. Attendance in the church is interesting, with some who love Jesus and some who are hoping to get noticed for their next audition. “Can I join Justin Bieber’s life group?”
5. The Gathering Place
This is a type of church, but don’t you dare call it a “church”. It’s a religious meeting place that gathers every sunday. But that’s not all. It’s also a gym, a coffee shop, a creative workspace, an office, a spa, a youth center, and really anything you want it to be. They are one with the community, and share the mission of Jesus. “Oh, so like a missional community? No….it’s a gathering place.”
6. The Mega Church
This church has a welcome lunch catered by their in-house Chick-fil-a. With 28 services on Sunday, it’s still so crowded that some people choose to watch it on the screen in a room next door to the sanctuary. The pastor has a show on TBN and has been interviewed by Oprah. The church is actually called a ‘campus’ and the kids playground is better than the one at Ikea. Forget the days of church bake sales, the after service refreshments include a full-service Starbucks and juice bar. This church has an ‘up and coming’ worship band – lookout Hillsong and Bethel they’re coming for you.
7. The Church Your Aunt Goes To
This church’s anthem is still “Shout to the Lord”. There’s no other way to say it, but this church is just soooo boring. They have those metal chairs with the cushioned round backs and everything is so grey and drab with tapestry. God bless the attendees though because they love Jesus and they love the 90’s. Your aunt Sharon invites you every Sunday and each time you make up an excuse to avoid the most boring two hours of your life.
8. The Church of Artistic Expression
Flag twirlers and prophetic paintings unite. The charismatic lives on. This church loves creative expression and barefoot people. The worship is lit and everyone is a free spirit. The painters are experts at drawing the lion of Judah and you can be sure to get your copy in the church book store.
What do you think, did we miss any?